(You recall how I keep on saying I’m very poor at writing angst?
Well…yeah. (Proof right here ahaha.) But I’m trying!)
The door to the darkened room is flung wide open. A figure strides in and slams the door shut, completely controlled and calm, face unsmiling. Emotionless, even.
He’s Julian Larson. The actor with the flawless face, flawless acting skills, flawless voice, flawless smile, flawless everything.
He, the flawless liar.
He sways slightly on the spot, fists clenching. His lip trembles and just for a moment there, his facade cracks.
Because everything is utterly wrong. Everything is twisted and wrong and cruel and heart-wrenching, and damn, it’s crushing him. The feeling’s so familiar it hurts.
He…he hates it.
Julian takes a deep, shuddering breath.
And his calm demeanor breaks.
Julian slides against his door to the floor, shaking. Every breath he takes is shaky and it hurts. It just hurts. He holds back a dry sob and curls up, bringing his knees to his chest.
He hates it so, so much. He hates living his lifestyle, feeling like this, acting this way, being in-dare he say it?-love. Stop it! He screams harshly to himself. You’re miserable! It’s true, though; he knows he’s miserable. He’s tired, upset, and above all, so very frustrated; and it’s the fault of many things…like Logan.
The thought of Logan brings tears. Hot, angry tears break free and they don’t stop, and Julian brings his head to his hands, not attempting to stem the flow. Even he’s allowed to cry sometimes, and being in love with Logan hurts too, too much to keep it all in forever.
Why him? Julian chokes back another sob. Of all the people out there, he just had to fall for that hot-headed, temperamental prefect, the one guy that’ll probably never, ever be able to even look at him that way, let alone reciprocate his feelings. Julian’s just his best friend and nothing more.
He’s tried. Julian’s tried to confront it, to fall out of love, to help, to let go, to run away and never come back. Those strong feelings always finds him, though, and he’s never been able to run away without coming back. He never manages to tell anyone, either: it is, after all, his own burden to bear. His own terrible secret. Truth is, watching Logan look past him and fall in love with other people for the past years has been excruciatingly hurtful, and Julian’s sure it’s done wonders for his physical and mental health; yet, he can’t seem to let go for good. Somehow, he’s gotten himself stuck.
Stuck in his own damn mess.
Fuck, get a grip. Julian mouths silently, fingers clutching strands of his hair, letting more tears fall. You’re fucking insane.
And, well, who’s to challenge that? Maybe he is insane. Maybe all this is driving him insane, if he isn’t already, because all this is torturing him more than anything.
Blaine blinked and spun around. “You’re…”
"Julian." He sighed. "You know, you and Logan should stop making so much noise with your arguments. It disturbs everyone in the school."
The Windsor boy’s expression instantly hardened. “If Logan sent you here to apologize, I-“
"No." The reply was immediate. "I’m here on my own accord, because you two have to get it together."
"And what does it matter to you?" Blaine shot back. "The rest of you don’t care much, do you?"
Julian’s smile in response seemed bitter. “Unfortunately, this concerns me. I happen to live right next to Logan. Just listen.”
Blaine frowned. “I don’t see why I have to-“
But then he let his words fade, for he heard music. Someone was at the piano.
It was at that moment when Blaine realized that with every line they had exchanged in his conversation with Julian, they’d been taking one step closer to the piano room. Now, they stood directly outside it. Blaine peered in and held his breath.
Logan sat at the piano, alone, singing, playing.
Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading
From all the things that we are
But are not saying
Can we see beyond the stars
And make it to the dawn?
As Blaine stared and took in the music, Julian bent to whisper into his ear, “I told you to listen.”
And so he did.
Change the colors of the sky
And open up to
The way you made me feel alive
The ways I loved you
For all the things that never died
To make it though the night
And love will find you
Blaine heard Julian mutter something to himself, but his attention was now entirely focused on the prefect at the piano, his anger and frustration at Logan having dissipated almost entirely.
What about now
What about today
What if you’re making me more than I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it’s lost behind
Words we could never find?
Baby, before it’s too late,
What about now…
Logan’s fingers trailed off the piano as he noticed Blaine stepping into the room. “…Blaine?”
"Logan…" Blaine took a deep breath. "We shouldn’t ignore each other’s problems…let’s sort things out. Together."
Neither of them noticed Julian disappearing from the hallway.
A year ago, it had been Blaine, then what’s-his-name. Now it was Kurt. What can he say? He’s always been helping Logan, and nothing really comes out of it for himself. Ha. How selfless, Julian Larson. This is rich.
By now, the tears have stopped and Julian’s calmed himself down considerably, but he feels more vulnerable than ever. He leans his head against the door lightly, taking still-trembly breaths, eyelids fluttering shut. He doesn’t want to stand up and pretend everything’s alright because it isn’t. It just isn’t.
But he knows that eventually, he’ll have to get up. Once again, he’ll have to plaster on that mask of his and get going.
So he sighs and picks himself up shakily, walking over to his bed and sitting there, silent.
Paparazzi’d have a field day if they saw me like this, he thinks bitterly. But he can’t help being like this; so miserable, so vulnerable, so utterly broken. It’s only times like these, when he’s all alone, when he’s allowed to be true with himself. When he’s allowed to cry, because nobody else is around.
Julian’s fingers ghost over the tear tracks on his cheeks as he smiles slightly, sadly. This is the life he’s more or less gotten used to, and he doesn’t know how to fight or change it. So he just deals with it. After all, look at life: you can’t have everything you want. Never. It’s impossible. As for what you’re missing, it’s never up to you, and no matter how much it hurts to not have it, you have no choice but to deal with it in your own way.
Julian knows that one day, the truth’s probably going to spill out, and things are going to change. It’s inevitable. But until then, he’s going to keep this up.
That, or he’s going to leave Dalton.
Song used in the flashback: “What About Now” by Daughtry.
Characters belong to CP Coulter, the amazing author of Dalton. It’s a fantastic read that has brought life to so many things, including this fandom. :)
I’ve never written in this style before. That, and I used to avoid writing angst ‘cause I sucked at it. I’m going to be all confident and say, while I still suck at angst, I think I’ve improved. Achievement unlocked(Y)
#julian larson armstrong